Living not striving…

Random thoughts and daily adventures in my life

Big Ugly Self February 29, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — erikaivory @ 11:32 pm

I have to confess that this week I have been consumed in a very ugly, not-so-pretty, disgustingly egocentric way with my SELF.  And for those of you that have had to hear me complain or have witnessed firsthand this pitiful scene, I am so sorry.

My thoughts have been on my discomfort from the flu, my two day migraine, my lack of motivation, my messy house, my inability to be a good hostess to my houseguests, on and on, ugh!  I did not have one good quiet time with the Lord until yesterday when my littlest one would not nap and I finally put him in  his bedroom for some “quiet time”.  I just sat on my bed and cried.  I had hoped for a nap and some down time with God.  Instead in a puddle of tears and drippy, ugly, yucky SELF I cried out to the One who knows me best and just admitted that I was empty.  I couldn’t go any farther or be anything for anyone without something from Him.

I just needed help to survive and He was there.  His grace carried me through.  I made it to bedtime and this morning the migraine lifted:)  Which is probably why He chose this morning in the shower to speak in His still quiet voice, “Boy, it’s all about YOU isn’t it?”

When I did have a little bit of time with Him yesterday I read John 15:4 “Remain in me, and I will remain in you.  No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.  Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.”

No I had not had a lot of time to really spend with the Lord and most of that was out of my control.  But my heart focus was not on Him it was on me.  Point taken. Ouch.  Instead of thinking about my sweet neighbor that is 9 months pregnant with her first baby, or my dad that struggles daily with fibromyalgia, or my mom that is trying to provide for her family in a new job and keep up with all 10 of her kids, or Mimi that just lost her 4 year old little boy to cancer, or Chris and Katie who are praying in a waiting room while doctors operate on their 16 month old Addie….. Instead of praying for them and considering myself blessed, I was focused on me.

So I am trying to remember to remain in the Vine.  To stay plugged in.  Jenny, , recommends grazing in the Word.  Keeping your Bible open on the counter all day and catching a verse through the day when you can.  I think I may try that and turning on praise music and simply refocusing on the reality that I am blessed and God is good. 

So goodbye to big ugly self!  I want to be fruitful and I can’t bear anything but sour nasty trash when I have my eyes on me.  Sorry for complaining this week.  I know next week will be better.  As I tell my kids, “Let’s shine, not whine!”

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blamesess and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life-in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing.”  Philippians 2:14-16


One Response to “Big Ugly Self”

  1. Susanne Says:

    Girl, are you sure we weren’t separated at birth?? I know that would be 11 kids for your Mama, but still… 😉
    I battle with the same exact issue. I am so inward focused, and all I can think is “woe is me”…and there are people out there who need Jesus, there are those who need healing and encouragement…they need a “shining star” to guide them…and all I am is a big “grumpy seed!” (see 3-2-1 Penguins, “Carnival of Complaining”)
    I have Phiippians 2:14-16 posted on my refrigerator…to remind the children to SHINE NOT WHINE! But what about me??? And where in the world do I think they get it from??? Oh I want to be SO MUCH BETTER than I am. Like you, I am tired of bearing rotten, nasty fruit. Thanks for the admonishment to be IN THE VINE. I used to say all the time “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me…but John 15:5 says “I can do nothing without him”. There really is no middle of the road is there. It’s either all or nothing with Jesus. Oh how I want to be consumed by his love! I want to BURN for Him!! I am going to get out my Shane and Shane CD now, and see if I can’t praise these blues away. My car is totalled, but I am whole…and I should be PRAISING him for that, if nothing else…HE MADE ME WHOLE when He carried that cross to Calvary, and bore my sin, and died for me!!
    Sorry to have rambled…but I just wanted to say thanks for changing my perspective on things. Have a great weekend, my friend!

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