*** This was written a few days ago when we received word that Mark’s company would be doing lay offs. Thankfully we were protected from this happening this time. I wrote this in the midst of the waiting. I still wanted to share what was going through my heart and mind for the sake of my own documentation so someday I can reread it …next time it is needed:)***
So, here we are again. Or at least it feels like that. We’ve come around again to a place in our circumstances where we are being asked to trust God in big ways. The thing is we were in this exact same place two years ago. And two years ago although our circumstances felt desperate and uncertain the Lord showed up in huge ways and provided safe passage through what felt like a hurricane. He gave us unexplainable peace, brought us to a greater dependency on Him, a deep hunger for His favor and a deeper level of intimacy with Him than we had ever experienced. He showed Himself to be wiser than we imagined, bigger than we realized and even kinder than we knew.
So now that we stand at the edge of this abyss and look into the dark toward a bottom we can’t see…why is it so scary and so hard to trust…again? Sigh. I thought I had grown in my faith. I thought for sure it would be easier the next time. But it isn’t and that disappoints me. Not in Him but in me. He is so faithful…and I have experienced His faithfulness but I still have a hard time just letting go and trusting the future to Him.
I want to be a monument for His glory. I really do. We have honestly prayed that the Lord would be in control of the details of our lives. That He would orchestrate our lives for His glory, not simply for our comfort. Yet when I look at the possibilities ahead…like a little kid I want to stamp my feet and shout, “This is not what I wanted! This isn’t part of MY plan! And by the way this isn’t what you promised!”
But that isn’t true. What did He promise me? He promised me in Deuteronomy 31:6 that He would never leave me, nor forsake me.
In John 14:27 He promises to give me peace.
In Proverbs 3:5-6 He promises that when I trust Him and stay submitted to Him, He will make my path straight.
And in Jeremiah 29:11 He promises to prosper me and not to harm me to give me a future and a hope.
In verse 13 of that same chapter He promises that if I seek Him I will find Him, when I seek Him with my whole heart.
He promises to forgive me in Matthew 6:14.
And He promises in Matthew 11:28 that if I am weary and come to Him, He will give me rest.
I haven’t found anywhere yet where He promises that life will be easy, or comfortable, or that His way would make sense, or that I would understand His plan. Ugh, it is frustrating actually! Looking back at two years ago…so many things that happened then now make perfect sense. We can see how He orchestrated things that looked like real bummers to cause some really wonderful things. He brought amazing answers to prayers from really difficult circumstances. He did grow our faith. He did.
Resting in Him is an active state not passive. I have to fight to stay in a place of trusting and peace. Fight the fear, fight looking at our circumstances through human eyes, fight looking too far ahead at things I have no control over, fight the rising panic, fight a sneaky spirit of discontent, fight a grumbling heart, fight to trust and stand in an attitude of faith.
And what about our dreams Lord? What about the adoption? We know we heard you right. We aren’t crazy. Once the Lord tells you something and You KNOW you heard Him and He confirms it over and over…you can’t deny it. So how does that fit into this picture? Too many questions but it all leads back to trusting Him. Do I really trust Him? Do I trust Him to fulfill His promises in my life and his plan for our lives in HIS way, not mine? Will I trust Him when I can’t see the way and when things don’t go the way I think they should?
Big deep breath. Yes. Period. The answer is YES!! Trusting Him in this life is the only way. Life is uncertain but my Jesus IS certain. He doesn’t change when my circumstances are swirling and shifting around me. His love for me is rock solid, steady and certain. He’s got this and He’s got me. None of this is a surprise to Him although it is a surprise to me. He likes to mix things up and keep things exciting:)
Will I need to read this post daily? Probably. Will I waver and have moments of panic where I lock myself in the bathroom with a bag of chocolate and a box of kleenex? Maybe. But hopefully, what is more likely, is you will find me with His words written on my hand and taped on my kitchen cabinets and words of praise playing on my car radio. His Word helps me to trust Him…it keeps me in a safe place.
So there you have it…that’s where I’m at…
Here we are again…