Sometimes I just have to unload my brain. It may not make much sense to anyone else but this is a way to process what is going on inside. When I look at families that have adopted internationally, particularly families that are now trans-racial, I am amazed. I think, “Wow, they are really brave and selfless and she must be a supermom! How do they do it?”. I have always thought it is just super-neat to see a family that took a risk and embraced life enough to adopt.
However, I am now in the process of adopting internationally and I am NOT…
-vacillating between freaking out and over the top anxious to get to my little ones
I know it sounds a little crazy, because IT IS!! We do NOT know what we are doing and I cannot tell you the number of times a day that I hear that little voice in my ear saying, “Just what do you think you are doing? Do you really think you can pull this off? You can barely keep your head above water with the three boys you have, how are you going to take care of 1 or 2 more? You must be crazy!!”
But I know with a deep-down certainty though that God called us to this journey. Because in and of myself…I am far too comfortable and interested in my own comfort to take the risks that this involves just to suit my own fancy. I couldn’t and wouldn’t do this unless God put a fire deep in my belly that won’t quit. He won’t let it go. He gave me a passion to bring some little ones into this fold that we call home.
So that voice whispering in my ear…it isn’t the voice of my gentle Shepherd. It doesn’t bring me strength or comfort or conviction. It is the voice of the enemy of my soul. So I push it back and drown it out with Jesus Truth. I quiet the anxiousness it stirs up with reminders of my Father’s past faithfulness and refocus back on the One that called me to this crazy ride.
So please do NOT ever, ever, ever think that I am brave enough, selfless enough, smart enough, creative enough to do this thing. I can’t do it. He is going to do it through me. He will have the energy and time to fill out all the crazy paperwork. He will have the patience to wait and the emotional stability to parent and live amidst all the anxiety of this process. He will figure out how to balance all the what ifs with the have-to-get-dones. Because I can’t, and I daily realize this. But He will equip me for what He has called me to do.
I just want people to see that this isn’t about us…it’s all about Him. He is amazing and mighty to save. He is saving the Chapmans and creating a “future and a hope” for US just as certainly as He is doing it for our Ugandan children, through this adoption. And I daily want to point to Him as He does a great work in us. Oh, how I want our story to be a monument to His great faithfulness and magnificent love!
3 Lord, you are great. You are really worthy of praise.
No one can completely understand how great you are.
4 Parents will praise your works to their children.
They will tell about your mighty acts.
5 They will speak about your glorious majesty.
I will spend time thinking about your miracles.
6 They will speak about the powerful and wonderful things you do.
I will talk about the great things you have done.
7 They will celebrate your great goodness.
They will sing with joy about your holy acts.
8 The Lord is gracious. He is kind and tender.
He is slow to get angry. He is full of love.
9 The Lord is good to all.
He shows deep concern for everything he has made.